January 28th 2018

Living with ptsd

For thosev who have it you will understand those that don’t try to understand.

For those that don’t I ask how do you feel when you wake up? I get a number of answers. Then I say, as soon as i open my eyes I am in fear.

The looks I get run the gammet. Then they ask me to explain.

I tell them i am in fear that someone will ttigger me, not on purpose I know it will be accidental.

I am in fear of a noise, a word, the inflection in a voice, helicopters, even someone who looks familiar. By the end of the day I am exhausted but i can’t sleep until i can decompress which takes an hour or two. I normally wake up once or twice while sleeping.

People ask about my ptsd and suicide. I know this is a concern for those close to me. Some think my kayak trip is tempting fate. It takes a very strong person to deal with this daily. We have some days better than others and then there are the real bad days. For those of us who can understand what we are going through while its tough we will survive because the survival i stinct is strong in us.

I am on a mission and my mindset is failure is not an option so i will go to hell and back to complete my mission. I am focused and driven on my purpose. Sucess is paramount not for myself but for my family, my lovr and esdpecialky my brother and sister veterans who are hurting and need help.

For those who don’t have it please do not ask for specifics, the horrors and demons that caused it our things better left burried it is how we deal with it. I will talk in generalities to try to get you to understand but I avoid specifics. The hurt it causes is great and it takes a lot of work and suffering to come back. So be respectful of us.

If we get triggered we see images flashing in our heads that we buried and then all these different emotions hit at once. Our brains have changed and certain areas are hypersensetive which causes the flood of emotions.

I have 12 images that flash none are pretty some worse than others and when they start I can’t stop them nor the emotions that follow. Then it takes hours to get back to just being depressed.

When I am in my kayak on the ocean I am one with nature I am at peace and tranquil.

We ate trainedd to be strong for ourselves and others around us. There is a stigmatism that to ask for help is a sign of weakness. It is not it takes a much stronger person to ask for help.

Our minds are the most powerful tool we have. It can bring us back from the depths of hell or destroy us by allowing us to think everyone will be better off if we weren’t here.

Suicide is not a selfish act as some say. You are not thinking of your self but everyone else the pain they are in the hell they are going through. You think you will bring peace to those around you. Wrong you will bring them guilt and grief. Guilt that they couldn’t figure how to help you and grief becsuse you have left a hole in their heart. So if you are contimplating suicide change your mindset ask for help understand that it isn’t the right choice. You have value and purpose in life to be there for others. You will not be the person you were before it happened but you still can be a better person than you are now. You need to fight to live for your family. Fight to get help so you have help overcoming your demons at least so you are in command not them.

Thsnk you for listening and trying to understand.

We are at 20/day we believe one is too many. Join us in our mission.


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