Trying hard to overcome

I have figured out what causes my fear of crowds and it isn’t people. 

While performing under water recovery I was trapped in confined spaces 3 times that I remember, one under a truck, one in a cave, and once in a small aircraft. The cave was bad as I had to force my way out bruising both hips and 4 ribs each side. The plane was the worse, upside down crushed cabin but enough room to wiggle in. I made my way to close to the cockpit. I thought I was being electrocuted. But there were no wires around me. As I was checking things out I realized there was a pointed piece of sharp metal right at my temple. If I had continued my wiggle I would have impaled myself on it.

So now I know why but haven’t figured out all the triggers yet. 

I have gone to events with ever bigger crowds but had someone close to me in case. The first event went well. The second event was bigger and had music, I was good except the third song I started getting anxious, wanted to run but stayed almost passed out, but as soon as song ended I was fine. Stayed until end. Third event concert on a farm. Was fine until one act ncame on and I left to go to parking area. Talked to the woman taking tickets about Mission22 and my trip. My daughter called from Texas and I was fine. Fourth incident was large concert with my girlfriend. I was fine into the second act when I went to find food by myself. I was making my way through a crowd to the concession stand. I ordered my food and when I turned around there were people darting back and forth. I started getting anxious but kept telling myself I was okay and I would be fine once I got to my seat. I needed my girlfriend to talk to me but when I reach our seats she wasn’t there. Panic setting in but I sat down and ate. She came back and could see I wasn’t okay. We talked and hugged and kissed. I was better but not 100% for another 20 minutes or more.

I was thinking about these events and drew the conclusion that I may not ever fully heal, but I understand that I can attend events with someone who understands in case I get triggered they can help me overcome. I don’t think I would attempt this alone as I am still not sure how I would react if I totally lost it and I wish no harm on anyone but I am capable of severe harm.

I know I will probably have to accept this as my life and keep moving forward.

I hope this helps others.

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